• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

• That’s enough, Nickelback.

• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

• Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

• LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

• How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks, Mario Kart.

• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty.

• Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem…

• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

• There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

• I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes when I could swear I didn’t make any.

• “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will
  they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and
  leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• When I date someone new, I’m terrified of mentioning something they haven’t already told me but that I learned from some light internet stalking.

• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

• Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

• I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Oh my lord, Jessi, what in the hell have you done?  You look like a contestant on “Rock of Love”?

Daddy

I am sure you all remember my Tress Trauma and Tress Trauma Part deuce.  If you don’t or need a laugh…go and read.  Five and half weeks later I bit the bullet and went to have my hair professionally corrected.  Sorry Sissy but it is a miracle we didn’t kill each other last go around.  For the moment I am back to somewhat my natural hair color.  Coppery auburn.  I have learned a lot these past few weeks.  Who would have known that a hair dye could teach you something.  Here are things I learned from my tress trauma:

• When it says PERMANENT it means PERMANENT.  I assumed it would fade in about two weeks or ten washes.  Wrong-O.  Still going strong after 5 1/2 weeks.  No matter how much pink stuff comes off on my towels after every single washing.  I should have known better after the fiasco of spilling the dye on Mom’s countertops.  OOOPPPSSS!
• When picking a hair color it is important to think about your brows.  I naturally have light hair and my brows, lashes, etc are blonde.  Light blonde.  I tried to pencil them darker but just came out looking like a drag queen.
• Earth tones (my favorite colors to dress in) do not look good with Ruby Rush hair.  I have worn nothing but black, purple, teal, blue and pink for over month.  Bring on the army green!!!!
• The redder the hair the sluttier men think you are.  I don’t ever remember being called “sexy” before the red chrome hair’s appearance but during one month I was called sexy four times.  Four.  And all four referenced my hair.  Now you are probably thinking this is a good thing BUT none of the four are even remotely prospects on anything so it is useless.  The one who may possibly be an option may or may not be gay and I just don’t think I would survive that scenario again.
• My Dad watches “Rock of Love”.  This is the most disturbing of all.  I thought the man only watched “Wheel of Fortune” and “Andy Griffin” except during football season.

So now let me dash to my closet and see what army green I am going to wear tomorrow!

But with all the festivities, we had some serious drama yesterday at the office, drama that’s been brewing for a few days.

Kids, we’ve got a visitor that’s been dropping by.  But he’s not just any visitor.  He’s a 75-year-old kleptomaniacal hoarder.  He stopped by for the first time late last week, introduced himself, and promptly stole three bottles of wine.  Out he walks, with his stick-on earrings (true story) and bold green sweater, wine tucked.

He came back the next day, in the exact same outfit of stick-on earrings and bold green sweater, stole a bottle of homemade syrup and three Falcon’s posters.  The list of items he chooses to take is utterly bizarre, which leads me to believe he’s an undiagnosed klepto.  I know I’m not a credentialed psychologist, but I’ve seen every episode Dr. Drew’s Loveline, so I know what I’m talking about.

Day three:  SAME OUTFIT!!  He struts in with a plastic Walmart bag in hand, pulls out a jar of “homemade” hot sauce and asked all of the guys to try it.  When he didn’t have any takers on his hot sauce, he plunged his hand into his bag and pulled out a…

I can’t even say it…

Give me a minute.

From the bag, he pulls out a long, silver dildo!!!!!   And then!  Then!  And then he proceeds to tell the fellas that he uses it to “tickle his kitty.”  I almost threw up.  I was pretty dramatic about it, but I was literally gagging.  The guys jumped back with a combination of shock and fear.  He put his crap back in the bag, grabbed some brochures and some gum from the soldier box display and walked out.

Day four (yesterday): he walks in the door, same outfit (at this point, it’s not that unusual) but with an additional stick-on earring stuck to his forehead and carrying a 2010 Little League baseball trophy.  He walks over to my desk, grabs my plastic green necklace, puts on my “Kiss me, I’m Irish” button and winks at me.  He asks my colleague for the name of my boss’ grandson so he could have the trophy engraved for him (weird, right?  To Catch a Predator material?)  Colleague responded with “Charlie Brown.”  As he’s leaving, my colleague decides enough is enough and follows him out and proceeds to explain why he’s not allowed to come back to this business. Ever.

He came back this morning, and his name is Mr. BMW Shroder Allan.

So, the paycheck hitting the bank on Friday has part of my pay increase on it and my first instinct is to SPEND it, of course. Then theres that part of my brain that kicks-in when making purchases says, “Amy, you really should save it.” I’ve decided that I need to buy something to congratulate myself. I’ll save the saving for later. I’ve thought of a couple things I could buy… and then I’ve thought of reasons why I shouldn’t buy them. So I need your help making my decision.

My Top 5 Potential Congratulatory Gifts to Myself

1. A Massage. Price range $100-$150.  I’m in definite need of some R&R. Granted, I’ve only officially had this new position for a couple of days, but I’ve been doing the work for weeks now and every time I hit the send button on emails, print something, save something, etc. I have a tiny panic attack and part of my soul dies. Luckily, Sweetgrass Salon, Spa and Wellness Center is having a special this spring for a Body Polish and 60 minute full body massage for only $99. I think I can tack-on a pedi for a small cost too. The only downside I can think for this option is that it’s not something I can keep. I’d really like to have something I can look at and remember how it felt to get my first promotion… 

2. A Kindle. Price range $259 +books.  I heart books and sometimes I read the really big ones while stretched out on the couch with my zebra print snuggie and I think- man this book is so hard to hold up! Hence, my need for a Kindle. Yet I have this feeling of disdain for the Kindle. As I stated earlier, I love books- I love to buy them, collect them, borrow them, re-read them, etc. The Kindle takes a lot of that away from me. Plus, I have about 15 books sitting on my shelf that I have yet to read. I have issues with going to the book store and purchasing more than I actually have time to read. But maybe one day when I’m all caught up on my reading, I will REALLY need the Kindle then.

3. A new iPod. Price range $150 -$190.  My brother gave me my first iPod over 3 years ago as a graduation present. It still works- but of course it is full. I have to take songs off to put new ones on. And I like organization- it would be nice to have a different play lists separated by iPods because sometimes it throws me for a loop when I’m listening to an upbeat song and dancing around my condo and then it changes to one of my really depressing songs that I like to relax to. Basically, my iPod is bipolar. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I plan on getting an iPhone when my upgrade comes around this summer. Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of a new iPod?

4. A round-trip ticket to visit a friend. Price range $150- $225   You know who you are. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about or you are within a reasonable driving distance, then it’s not you.

5. A new TV. Price range $300-$400.    The television in my bedroom is about 3 years old. It randomly makes funny noises when I play DVDs. I think it is time for a new TV and one that I can mount on the wall. The only problem is if I get one like that, I have to get rid of the bookcase that the old one sits on now and buy a new piece of furniture to go with it- adding to the cost of probably the most expensive item on this list.

What is a girl to do??

Now we (pretty-plus chicks and if you aren’t pretty-plus go eat a Snickers and check back tomorrow) have all been there….Easter dress hunting.  It is harder than finding the golden egg.  I still have nightmares from my childhood dress hunts at Macy’s and JCPenney with my mother.  Me screaming that I wanted a certain beautiful dress and my mother directing me to the pretty-plus rack with the offerings of three horrible dresses that matched my grandmother.  It was pure torture every year and usually ended with me in tears.  Things have gotten somewhat easier but we still have to hunt.  I hope to make that hunt easier for some of you each month by introducing you to some of my favorite go-to sites.  Happy Easter and loves from one pretty-plus chick to another!

Floral Print Satin Dress:  This beautiful satin dress screams Spring.  I love the pattern but more than that, I love the cut.  This cut will be perfect on anyone with pretty-plus tummy.  The banded empire waist will cinch you and flow away from the body.  I also love the neckline and the cinching at the bust.  This is a wonderful feature for those of us who are bigger busted.  It will also be easy to pair a cardigan or trench coat from your closet if Easter turns cool this year.  At $118.00 this dress isn’t cheap but is a classic piece and will not go out of style.  The cut and satin material are sophisticated and timeless.  You will be re-wearing this dress for weddings, showers and teas for years to come!

Blue Platform Pumps:  Not only are these shoes super-sassy but they are super-cheap!  I love Payless and if you need affordable shoes then Payless is the place to go.  They have amped up their style and quality and you cannot beat them!  At $19.99 these kicks are a steal!  I love the sassy blue color and the peep-toe.  Imagine a beautiful, springy pink polish peaking out!  Adorable.  The platform will add comfort and ease to walking in these high heels.  The heel height is perfect for tall chicks or midgets.  Not too high and not too low.  Worth the price and the pain!

Pink Straw Clutch:  Isn’t this the most adorable spring clutch you have ever seen?  I love its Pepto Bismal pink color (it matches my childhood bedroom perfectly) and boxy shape.  Big enough to fit your BlackBerry and some make-up essentials.  Remember…southern belles don’t need wallets.  That is what gentlemen are for!

Gold Earrings:  Nothings shouts stylish fashionista like dangly, gold chandelier earrings!  If these don’t work for you, go to your local Wal-Mart.  They have oodles of them and they are only $4 a pair!

Jeweled Bangle:  I love the facets on this cuff.  It is antiquey and feminine.  Just subdued enough to go with this beautiful dress but still a classic, sophisticated piece!

Please feel free to offer any fashion advice or some of your favorite online/pretty-plus finds!  We are always looking for new sites and new ideas.  Share.  Please.  We beg you!

1. I forgot to “spring” my clocks forward.  My BlackBerry and computer have the correct time but my alarm clock, bathroom clock and Eddie my Edge all are still an hour behind.  This most definitely led to me being an hour late for work.  Such.  A.  Dumbass.
2. Due to the aforementioned time change I was running super-duper late for work.  In my hurry I threw on some less than spectacular clothes and my hair in a pony tail.  I did take the time to apply half of my make-up and thought I would save time by applying the rest (my eyes specifically) after arriving at work.  I scare small children without mascara on.  They run to their Mommies and say, “Look it is an albino.  EEEEEIIIIIEEEEE!”  As I approached a roadblock, I sneaked on some shades.  Of course it is overcast and on the verge of raining but Mr. Hot State Trooper can’t see my unadorned eyes.  After showing my license he asked that I remove my sunglasses.  I showed my face and the asshole had the nerve to laugh out loud.  I learned a long time ago not to correct or smart off to cops so I just slowed my roll and drove on.
3. I finished my book.  All 1100+ pages and I am sad about it.  Stephen King, once again mesmerized me with his latest work “Under the Dome” and I am flat-out pissed off that I finished it.  I loved it so much that I could have read for another 1100 pages and been happy.  But no!  Mr. King chose to end his story.  Mr. King, if you happen upon this lovely blog, please write a sequel.  Pretty, pretty please with cherries on top write a sequel.  I know I will sleep better and hopefully nightmare free, but I am going to miss Chester’s Mill and all of its inhabitants.  All you readers, go and read it.  Go forth, and be scared silly but delightfully entertained.

Each month, a contest will be held on the blog.  We will post a topic at the end of each month and hope you will each submit a funny story that speaks to that topic.  The winner will be featured on the blog the following month (ie, we’ll give you a topic today and you’ll have roughly ten days to submit for April).

We know how funny you people are.  Your comments are hilarious, and let’s face it, you appreciate the humor of BOUCHED, so you’re clearly funny-writing material.  All stories are subject to light editing (grammatical occasionally, content rarely).

We hope you guys have fun with this.  As you can see from most of our posts, short and sweet is best and pictures are encouraged!

We’re a little behind on this months entry, so you have a little less time to get it together.  When you’re ready to submit, simply email us at bouchedblog(at)gmail(dot)com.

APRIL’S TOPIC:  Easter.  Not always a celebration.

Tell us all about your traumatic Easter stories.  Perhaps an outfit that is still humiliating two decades later, or maybe the mall Bunny gave you the uh-oh feeling.  We’ll tell you ours if you tell us yours.

Submission deadline: March 26, 2010

Beth:  I have always wanted to see that movie “27 Dresses.”

Me:  I love that movie.  It is the story of my life.  Always a bridesmaid, never a bride…

Beth:  For real.  I have been in 10 weddings!

Me:  Oh honey, that ain’t nothing.  I have been in 13!

Beth:  Give me five.  I have never met anyone that beat me!!!

I love weddings.  Love them.  Attending them, being in them, directing them and watching them on television.  I enjoy all the festivities and love.  Even the ugly, horrible weddings are fun!  I mostly can’t wait until it is my day and I get to be the center of attention (narcissistic, maybe) and have all of my friends be my bridesmaids.  My Mother is secretly praying that day never comes because she constantly mentions in casual conversations how I am going to be a bridezilla.  Thanks Mom, I know you are scaring off any prospects!  I was the perfect Maid of Honor for her on her big day:

And the best sister-in-law ever:

Kris's first blog appearance! Isn't she beautiful?

One of my favorite moments of bridesmaid hell came about for Sissy’s wedding.  After searching for days for her perfect dress we found it.  With that area taken care of she picked out my dress as her Maid of Honor.  It was beautiful but not made for a pretty-plus chick like myself.  The store clerk not wanting to lose the sale said, “Oh dear, don’t worry.  We will order extra fabric and make this dress fit you perfectly.”  After three dress fittings and two yards of extra fabric an angry Asian seamstress got the dress to work for my curvy figure.  Granted on the wedding day I was wearing a boned-strapless-backless-corset and had four pins sticking in my sides but the dress did work.

I think my defined waist shows the corset is doing its job...

Another time I went for my dress fitting and the store clerk said, “I think we can make this size work but you will need to wear a minimizer bra.”  No problemo.  Those suckers are my best friends with certain tops only at the time I didn’t think about the fact that none of my minimizers were strapless.  On the wedding day I was wrapped in an ace bandage and duct taped.  I couldn’t sit down and felt faint for most of the night.  The girls fit though!  Lesson learned.

Cousin Holly's beautiful wedding...

After learning that lesson (the hard way might I add!) at the next dress fitting when the store clerk informed me that my bust was borderline between two sizes, I promptly told her to go up a size.  When my dress came in I realized it was 4 sizes bigger than I normally wear but I breathed a sigh of relief and treated myself to a DQ blizzard before returning back to work. 

How many weddings have you been in?  Can anyone beat my 13?  Also, in takers on helping be in number 14!  Any grooms seeking a redhead bride….every day I am getting closer and closer to THIS.

Ppff.  Chickens.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

                                    – Traditional Irish Blessing

Some of you may have not realized it, but Wednesday is Saint Patrick’s Day.  Now, I wouldn’t be a good Irish lass if I didn’t write my blog this week all about the Irish!!

So, after thinking long and hard, I came up with some awesome things that we totally owe the Irish!  I hope this gets you in the mood for Wednesday!!

The first cool thing that we owe the Irish is all the hot Irish men that we’ve come to know and love.  With hotties like Colin Farrell, Jonathan Rhys Meyers,  and Pierce Brosnan- how could you not want to get lucky with one of them??

The second cool thing from Ireland is the music.  Some of you may not know this, but I’m a music fanatic.  I love all types of music- from hip hop to Debussy- I listen to it all.  I went through a big stage a few years ago when I really got into British artists, and after that I discovered Irish musicians that rocked too!!  I mean we all know some very common Irish groups/singers- U2, The Cranberries, Sinead O’Conner, and Enya.  One of the musicians I fell in love with as this guy named Paolo Nutini. His voice is sexy!   I also love the bands The Corrs and The Script.  The Corrs have a softer, more soothing sound, while The Script is a more alternative, pop sounding group. 

Cool thing number three that we get from the Irish is St. Patrick’s Day.  This day is a day celebrating the idea of Luck!!  For those of us who typically seem to have pretty rotten luck, this is the one day that has the possibility of turning things around!! 

Cool thing number four  that we get from the Irish is Rue McClanahan.  Now- I know it may seem like a little much to dedicate a whole space for her, but she is awesome!  The fact that I may distantly be related to her is just all the more proof.  That’s right- my mom’s maiden name is McClanahan, so I’m totally related to Rue!!  And who the heck could be better than her??  She was awesome on The Golden Girls.  Her thick Southern accent was buttery rich and inspiring.  She taught all of us Southern broads how to bat our eyelashes, turn up the drawl, and manipulate men the way only Southern women can!!

The last cool thing we get from the Irish is another great reason to party!!  The Irish are known for their drinking and partying ways, so I just need to thank my ancestors for all the fun I’ve had!!  Cheers!!

I hope I’ve inspired all of you Irish and non-Irish out there to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day properly!  Wear green, look at some Irish hotties, listen to some awesome Irish music, and say cheers with a pint!!

    Erin Go Bragh!!